Doug’s Diary

Just to show that we are weathering the storms of life well, here is the latest pic of the two of us. This weekend we celebrated the 43rd anniversary of our engagement.

Over this past weekend we have enjoyed our annual siblings reunion. Once again, because of my health, it had to be held near us so the two brothers from Auckland with their wives, and the two sisters from Wellington with their husbands descended on Nelson. And what a great choice of city. Wellington had fog one day and rained the rest of the weekend: Auckland had wind and showers while Nelson basked in brilliant weather for the four days of the reunion.

One thing that is synonymous with Duncan reunions is food and laughter. Here are a couple of photos of the get-together

I have managed to track down a Radiologist who, after completing the radio-active spheres procedure hundreds of times overseas, has recently been licenced in NZ to do it here. I sent him copies of the last CT scan and Oncologist report and had a phone call from him a few nights ago. I heard about this man through St George’s Radiology in Christchurch and they suggested he is at the cutting edge of radiological treatment of cancer in NZ.

I cannot have the SIRTs inserted again under the trial I was on, but this Radiologist says there is nothing to prevent me having the procedure again. He did warn though that there is no assurance that it will work again. He recommends that I complete a course of second-line chemo first that should shrink the tumours in the liver and the lung and then he could ablate whatever is left of the metastases in the liver. He might also then be able to remove the lung tumour by radiofrequency ablation. The lung treatment is available under the Public Health system but I would need to pay for the SIRs treatment of my liver (around $15,000).

At least I have some more options to discuss with the Nelson Oncologist when I finally get to see her on 16th Feb. Whatever way He chooses to do it, through medical or divine intervention, we are still praying that the Lord will ‘extend my years.’

After seeing the Christchurch Oncologist on 8th January and being transferred to the Nelson Public Hospital Oncologist, I have finally been given an appointment to see the local specialist – February 16th.

Once again we play the waiting game. Speaking to other cancer sufferers, they agree that this phase can be the toughest to endure. Six weeks from CT scan to appointment to just discuss (not begin) treatment! What are the metastases doing in the meantime? How can we plan our year to include visits to family and treatment? The mind games require great discipline to deal with. We have to constantly remind ourselves that our futures lie in the hands of God, not the medical profession.

I have met people who worry if they hear someone admit they have cancer. It as if somehow the cancer is given legitimacy if it is acknowledged.

Having cancer is a fact that must be acknowledged before it can be dealt with it. It does not go away by denying its existence. I acknowledge that I have cancer in my body. That is a fact. What I do not accept though is its legitimacy to be there.

I also acknowledge that a fact is less than a truth. And the truth for me is that God is able to remove any disease, including cancer, from anyone’s body, irrespective of what medical science can or cannot do.

Some people are so superstitious in their fear of death that they don’t like even saying the word and instead refer to “the big C”. Well, friends, for me the big C is Christ, not cancer. And He knew the number of my days before I was born (Psalm 139). No cancer will cheat Him of fulfilling His purposes in and through me before those days have been fulfilled.

On Thursday 7^th January, Bronwen and I flew to Christchurch for my regular CT scan of the liver as part of the SIRFLOX trial I have been under. We met the Oncologist on the Friday morning.

The news was not good.

After being clear for four months, the scan showed the presence of nine new metastases scattered throughout my liver and one in my lung. If there had been only a few metastases, and they had been confined to one or two segments of the liver, there might be a possibility of surgery to remove them. Consequently, I have been dropped from the SIRTs Trial monitoring programme and transferred to the Nelson Oncologists.

Needless to say we were shocked, gob-smacked and stunned at the news as things had been progressing so well. The surgeon told us he had only undertaken the removal of the primary because it looked as if a complete cure might be possible. Our GP had received the results on the Friday via email and he also confessed to being stunned.

I am not in as bad a condition as I was when I was first diagnosed in 2008. My liver function is normal and my CEA (cancer markers) are only slightly raised. When I was first diagnosed I was given 18 months without treatment. That time is almost up, and now I have been given another one to two years, although that’s in God’s hands. Apart from still recuperating from surgery I’m in better shape than I was in October 2008. At least this time I do not have a primary cancer to keep disseminating its cells throughout the body.

One thing I’m learning with my new lifestyle is to ‘do it now’. We often plan things for ‘when I’m feeling better’, or for ‘when things improve’. I’m discovering that things may never improve, so do it now.

Today I was feeling lousy and uncomfortable in every way but I had promised Abe and Phoebe for several days that I would take them fishing. Abe’s been talking about it to his mother on several occasions so I got up today telling myself ‘today is the day’.

I had a visit from the Stoma nurse this morning and she read me the riot act about lifting heavy things and advising me on new types of underwear to buy to give me better support! My day was not going well and I felt physically crook but I had made a promise.

The weather was warm but blustery and at 1.15pm I picked up the children and headed down to Port Nelson to an already crowded wharf. I fixed up the fishing rod with new hooks and baited them with good old squid bait. I showed Abe how to launch it out into the briney and slowly wind it in. He happily applied himself to this while I set up another line for Phoebe that we dropped over the side of the wharf.  By the time I turned my attention back to Abe he was alleging he had something on the line. When we pulled it in, hey presto, there was a 6 inch sprat on the line. Needless to say he was over the moon. Although we had many nibbles over the next 90 minutes, we didn’t catch anything else, but that was enough.  A Fisheries Protection Officer came along the wharf and was suitably impressed with Abe’s catch telling us that we were the only ones to have caught anything. God is good – He is truly a ‘Father to the fatherless’ and answered the dreams of one little boy. The first thing we did when we got back to the car was to thank God together.

I delivered the children back to their mother at 3pm and came home for a rest. I still felt physically uncomfortable and lousy but very very grateful to God and was a very happy grandad.

And here it is – Abe’s first fish.

Some days, while recuperating from chemotherapy, radiation therapy and lately, from surgery, I have wondered if I will ever be able to take a day for granted again. The process seems so long and pain persists. Nothing feels normal. Going out is hard work.

I did manage to take Bronwen to a favourite cafe recently, and as we sat in the sunny courtyard and watched happy shoppers, I was inspired to write this poem.

**********

I sit and sip my latte

And watch as passers-by

All go about their business;

Walk determined; heads held high.

They seem to have no cares at all

No stumbles, aches or pain

Their laughter and their banter

Make a warm spring-time refrain.

I muse about the last time

I took days in my stride;

Talking, walking, driving;

Purposefully occupied.

Not shackled by pain management;

No cause to make me think

Of how to do what I must do;

What not to eat or drink.

But who knows if they also

Watch me and think the same.

For neither me nor they

Know our backgrounds or our name

Who knows the inner conflicts

Masked so easily with a smile;

What problems each is wrestling

Set aside for just a while..

Appearance is deceiving

And each of us cries out

For some recognition

Of what we’re all about.

“Judge not and we shall not be judged”

But deal to all the same.

Who knows the love we proffer

Will touch some unseen pain.

What a year it’s been. And busy!

I started the year with radioactive spheres in my liver and a six-month course of chemo-therapy. There have been 3-monthly CT scans to plot the progress of the liver. Fortunately these have shown amazing improvement. We moved to Nelson in April and concluded that course of chemotherapy here. I then endured 6 weeks of radiation therapy in Christchurch followed by an equally painful 6 weeks of recuperation back in Nelson before ending the year with major surgery in Nelson Hospital. The surgery on 24th November removed the rectal tumour (the primary tumour) and sealed off my back end forever. The surgeon also did a 17cm cut down my front to inspect my insides and also inserted a permanent stoma to the left of my navel.

It is now 5 weeks on from that major surgery and the recuperation process is proving long and slow. Fortunately my peritoneal wound is healing well (I have heard varying reports of 50% – 80% of these wounds reopen). It is still very uncomfortable to sit down for long. My stomach still feels as if a massive indignity has been perpetrated on it and I am very careful in using my stomach muscles – very tender. The massive lifestyle adjustments of emptying and changing colostomy bags is getting better. I have a new bag that seems to cause less skin reaction than the first bags I was given.

And so forward into 2010! What will it hold?

Hopefully a clearer and more productive road to travel. I do know I am to have a further course of chemotherapy to ‘mop up’ any stray cancer cells left in my body. When, and for how long, I may find out next week when Bronwen and I again travel to Christchurch for our next liver CT scan and update.

This morning I sat in a hairdressing salon waiting my turn to be shorn. Ahead of me were two younger males with fine heads of hair. Cutting and shaping their hair took the hairdresser considerable time for each and I began rueing the wait – especially as I still have great discomfort sitting.

Eventually I had my turn in the chair knowing that the 3 patrons to follow me would not have long to wait since I don’t have so much hair to manage.

BUT

I get value for money!

After trimming my hair and neckline, the hairdresser, at no extra charge, trimmed my ears and eye-brows. Ah, the benefits of being an older gent!